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© ONE BAD BURGER
VOICE OF 9-1-1 DISPATCHER
POLICE OFFICER 1
POLICE OFFICER 2
ACT I – IN THE KITCHEN
(Nona is in the kitchen washing the dishes. Emily, Charly, Philip, and Lisa enter. Emily has a paper bag with hamburgers. Nona turns around)
NONA: What took you so long?.
PHILIP: That place was crowded!.
(They sit around the table)
EMILY: (she puts the bag with the hamburgers on the table)Yeah, then there was a traffic jam. It’s so hard to go out on a Friday night!.
LISA: Did you see that guy’s face when the clerk spilled lemonade all over him?.
PHILIP: (while talking he stands, opens the refrigerator and takes out five cans of soda. He puts them in the center of the table. Each one of them take a can of soda, open it, and start to drink. Nona hands out the hamburgers. They start to eat ). He was furious when he saw his iPhone all wet!.
EMILY: Who wouldn’t be?. I bet that clerk is out on the streets by now!.
CHARLY: I’m so hungry!.
EMILY: (chewing) Mmmm delicious!.
CHARLY: So, are we gonna go to the movies tonight?.
PHILIP: Yeah, let’s go see The Hunger Games.
LISA: What is it about?.
PHILIP: I won’t tell you, but it’s a good movie.
EMILY: Good movie?. This is by far the best movie this year!.
LISA: My cousin told me it’s pretty much the same story as Running Man.
EMILY: Nothing compares to Hunger Games!.
LISA: OK, but what is it about?.
CHARLY: Basically, the place that used to be North America is now a place called Panem. There used to be 13 districts until all came together against the capitol.
PHILIP: (to Nona) What’s wrong Nona?.
NONA: It’s the hamburger. It tastes funny!.
EMILY: Mine is soooo good!.
CHARLY: Mine too. It’s so juicy!.
PHILIP: These are the best hamburgers in town!.
NONA: The burger is not good!. (she stands up and picks up the phone and dials a number)
PHILIP: Who are you calling?.
NONA: I’m calling that fast food restaurant. What’s its name?.
EMILY: Leo’s Grill.
NONA: (furious) Whatever!. (she starts to talk on the phone) Hello…yes, this is Nona Baker, I live at 730 Violet Street…some of my friends just bought some hamburgers from your place, but mine is really bad…who knows what you put in it…and I am not going to eat it…(pause) What can you do for me? … I want my money back…that’s WHAT I WANT!. (pause) Tomorrow?. No! I can’t wait till tomorrow…If you don’t give me my money today, I’ll call the police…(pause) fine!. (hangs up the phone)
PHILIP: (to Nona) You’re overreacting!.
LISA: (stands up) Sit down Nona, I’ll cook you something else.
NONA: No. I’m calling the police!.
EMILY: I don’t think you should alert the authorities about a not to good hamburger!.
CHARLY: Ha, ha, ha, what if the meat contains pink slime?.
LISA: (she sits) Charly, this is not a joke!.
NONA: Yes, that’s it. It’s that pink slime everybody is talking about. It’s in the news everyday. Now more than ever I have to call the police!.
LISA: You’re being paranoic!.
PHILIP: (sarcastically) Maybe you should call the health department first.
EMILY: How do you feel Nona?. Do you feel nausea?. Do you want to throw up?.
NONA: No, at least not yet. But what if I had food poisoning?. What if you have to call an ambulance and take me to the hospital?. I’m calling 9-1-1 right now!. (she picks up the phone and dials 911)
CHARLY: Now we are gonna have a much bigger problem than taking one bite of a bad burger!.
NONA: It’s a nasty burger!.
LISA: Hang up the phone. You’re not dying!.
NONA: All I want is my money back TODAY!. Not tomorrow!.
LISA: (takes money from her purse and gives it to Nona) If that’s all you want… there’s you’re money!. Now, SIT and let’s finish our meal!.
EMILY: I really believe you’re abusing the 911 line.
CHARLY: Pleaseeeee, hang up the phone. It’s no big deal!.
NONA: This is an emergency, at least it is for me!.
VOICE OF 9-1-1 DISPATCHER: You’re calling 9-1-1. Where is your emergency?.
NONA: Mam, can you please send a police officer to my house?.
VOICE OF 9-1-1 DISPATCHER: What’s the address?.
NONA: 730 Violet Street. It’s behind the Public Library.
VOICE OF 9-1-1 DISPATCHER: What is the emergency?.
NONA: I can hardly hear you. Can you please speak louder!.
VOICE OF 9-1-1 DISPATCHER: (yelling) What is the emergency?.
NONA: My friends bought some hamburgers at Leo’s Grill, but mine is no good, it tastes funny. I called the restaurant but the lady told me to bring it back and I would get my money back but until tomorrow. I’m really hungry right now. It was a hard long day at work, and all I wanted was to chat and have dinner with my friends. To tell you the truth, I really blame it on the pink slime.
VOICE OF 9-1-1 DISPATCHER: Please give me your full name and phone number.
NONA: My name is Nona Baker, and my phone number is 774-95-96.
VOICE OF 9-1-1 DISPATCHER: Can you please remain in your house. An officer will arrive shortly.
NONA: Sure mam, I’m not going anywhere until my problem is solved. (she hangs up the phone). (to her friends) See, that was easy. An officer is on his way!.
EMILY: (angry) Nona, the fact that Leo’s Grill would not issue you a refund today is not an emergency. The nasty burger was no threat on your life, you were not injured…. no emergency!. If you want to have a complaint, call the corporate office of the restaurant!.
LISA: She’s right. You should have called the customer service line if you were unhappy with your burger, not 9-1-1.
PHILIP: It’s too late for that.
LISA: Now all of us are in big trouble.
(The door bell rings)
CHARLY: Those must be the boys in blue.
(Nona opens the door)
POLICE OFFICER 1: Miss Nona Baker?.
NONA: That’s me officer.
POLICE OFFICER 2: (handcuffs Nona) You are under arrest for misusing the 9-1-1 system for a fast food meal.
POLICE OFFICER 1: (walks away with Nona) You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an …
(They leave the stage)
LISA: Did that really happen?.
EMILY: Wow!. That was a one bad burger.
CHARLY: I wonder if they have better burgers in jail.
PHILIP: Maybe they do,who knows.
LISA: Well, that solved her problem. Are we still going to see that movie?.
CHARLY: Yeah, why not?. Let’s go!.
(They leave the stage)
Author: K I D S I N C O
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Tags: 9-1-1, 911, dispatcher, emergency, fast food restaurant, friends, hamburger, jail, Police Officer, Restaurant